Euphoria is A Departure Spurned

                                                                           

My sister Beth, her cutie pie, and me.

I feel euphoric. 

Because I’ve just thumbed my nose at the calendar, poked time in the eye like I’ve wanted to ever since I started these five years of annual, wrenching goodbyes.

I changed my ticket.

This may seem like a small, insignificant blurb on the calendar, but to me it’s huge. Because finally, for the first time in years, when I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I actually could do something about it.

Ever since I came back with the intention of staying on American soil for at least a year, I have found that my soul is gulping down home in great, deep breaths. Beauty around me. Coffee shops. English. Driving. Fall colors. Buying boots that actually fit me. Shopping in adorable little shops that carry antiques. Deer crossings. Flavored creamer in the stores. Salads. Beautiful Florida beaches.  Medicines on pharmacy shelves that I can read. Cambridge, Ohio decorated for the Christmas season. Bell-ringers at the mall. The lit fireplace in Cracker Barrel. Fish dinners without the fish eyeballing me. Reading on my Mom’s back porch.

But most of all, I’m breathing in these moments with my family, while turning over this glorious sentence in my mind in wonder: “I don’t have to say the big goodbye. I don’t have to get on a plane for the other side of the world. I don’t have to say the big goodbye.”

With my mom, grandma, and five siblings spread across three states, my visits home were always split up into tiny segments of time with family, fitting friends in where I could and resenting the huge chunk of time stolen from my family visits by my annual month of grad school in Chicago. But now I’m here, on this side of the world; I’ve spent many weeks visiting with my family around the country and the holidays are coming and I’m still here. And it hits me again in wonder: I don’t have to say that huge, long, wrenching goodbye.

After visiting with family in two states, I finally made it up to Ohio where my sister, baby nephew, and brother live. My heart has flipped over in gladness as I’ve been able to actually settle down and visit with them versus snatching moments from the mouth of that great carnivore, Time. Long, quiet afternoons spent in the woods hunting with my brother Paul. Long evening talks with my sister Beth. Long hide-and-seek sessions with my baby nephew, Brantley. My frantic habit of squeezing-everything-out-of-this-moment-because-I’m-leaving-for-China-soon has lessened and I’m starting to relax and luxuriate in this moment.

And today I decided that I wanted more time.

I had purchased a return flight to Florida for the nineteenth of November, because it was cheap. But when I started to mourn the upcoming goodbye, I delightful realization hit me: I am no longer a slave to time. For the first time in my memory, I could rebel against the approaching parting.

Extra charge for new ticket: $34.00.

Days gained: 6.

Thumbing my nose at a departure: Priceless.

Celebrating my brother Noah's birthday. My Mom made her awesome spaghetti!

For five years straight, my brother Scot and I have seen each other once a year, for one meal. Sometimes two meals...

Me and my baby sister, my Lilly.

This brother (Paul) and I share a deep love for the woods, even though he practically lives in the woods during hunting season and I finally got to go hunting for the first time this month!

Our family's little love, Beth's baby Brantley.